Family conflict part 1

笨mummy has her fair share of dealing with unreasonable people especially coming from a 2 years stint as a customer service operator. Dealing with difficult colleagues, customers, friends and even suppliers are never much a problem as we can always end the relationship if thing get bad (i.e. we can quit our job, stop buying stuffs from that particular supplier).  The most difficult is dealing with family members. Family members are linked by blood ties and it is never by choice, unlike a friend that we choose to befriend.

笨mummy has a first-hand encounter with difficult and unreasonable family members. This is also the cause of her decision to be a SAHM and not enlist the help of her mother anymore to take care of her Child 1 and Child 2 and move back to her own place. Family member A and B are both not in full time employment and they experience great deal of unhappiness with笨mummy continuing to stay with them in the same household for reason, yet again unknown to笨mummy. Maybe笨mummy has annoyed them in ways that she is not aware of.

Profile of these difficult and unreasonable family members

Family member A is like a phantom living in the household. 笨mummy never really got to see him during her stay at the household. He was out early in the morning between 5-6am for his regular morning walk before笨mummy wakes up (which is normally around 6am to feed Child 2 and eat her breakfast and prepare for work).  笨mummy is left the household around 7.15am for work and in most days, Family member A has not yet return from his morning walk when she left the household. In those days when Family member A is back before笨mummy left the house, there is little chance of interaction at all, as he went straight to the toilet for “big business” (i.e. pooing) and this normally take a while for him. By the time笨mummy came back from work, Family member A is gone and he would only be back to the household after 10pm, and at that time, 笨mummy is already in her room sleeping.

Family member B operates like he is living in the Europe time zone, i.e. he wakes up at 3-4pm in the afternoon and went to bed at 5-6 am in the morning. His meal times also have uncanny similarity to a person living and breathing in the Europe time zone. Breakfast for him start at 3-4pm (i.e. UK time 8-9am), he would then have lunch around 7pm (that UK time 12noon), dinner at 2-3am and on some days, supper at 5am. Family member B stay at home most of the time, with short intervals during the days where he would be out of the household to have a smoking break and buy lottery (toto,4D) or at middle of the night to get food.

What are their grievances?

Grievance number 1 -笨mummy does not help out in the household or selfish by taking day off to do her own stuff and not helping out with household chores.

The common complaint that笨mummy heard from them is that she does not help out in the household or taking day off to do her own stuff. Hmm that is in a way true when she is hardly around or she is busy with stuff on her leave day. Let her details how a typical weekday is like  –

6-6.30am	Wake up, clean up, enjoy her breakfast – her own me-time of the day.
6.30 -7am	Feed Child 2
7-7.15am	Get dress for work. If time permits, she does some basic chores –tidying up her bed, clean up the mess created by Child 1, if any, the night before
7.15am-6.30pm	Commuting to and from work and working in office
6.30-8.30pm	Bath Child 2, has her dinner, bathe, feed Child 2, wash and sterilize Child 2’s bottles, coax Child 2 to sleep. Entertain Child 1 when required depending on his mood.
8.30-9.30pm	If笨mummy is not the choose one to play with Child 1, she would have a bit of time to catch a breather.
10pm to 1am	By 10pm, 笨mummy prepared for hit the bed with 3-5 occasional disturbance from Child 2 who co-sleep where she needs to rock or carry Child 2 to settle her back to sleep.
1am to 1.30am	Child 2’s midnight feed at 1am. This vary depending on Child 2. Sometime she can be up as early as 11pm or even as late as 3.30am for the feed

While her typical weekend schedule is

Sat	笨mummy returns to her own house with Child 1 and 2. This includes feeding, diaper changing, playing, bathing, entertaining both Child 1 and 2. If time permits, she could have a breather to have a coffee break at 3pm.
Sun morning	Laundry is scheduled on Sunday
Sun 4pm	笨mummy returns to the household around 4pm in the afternoon with Child 2. Child 1 is temporary out-sourced to the other set of grandparents till dinner time. Normally, 笨mummy will go out for a short trip to the mall (from 4pm to 5.30pm) leaving Child 2 with her mum since 4-5pm is the napping time of Child 2. She will try to be back by 5.30 pm to start the evening cycle started again (see above 6.30 to 10pm of the weekday schedule above).

Let’s talk about days where she is on leave. The morning cycle and evening cycle are identical to a weekday, except the time in office is replaced with the following:

7-8am	Entertain Child 1 and bring Child 1 to school
8-9am	Commuting to her house. Yes, it will take about an hour or so to reach
9-11.30am	Sweeping & mopping, washing of bedsheets, etc (Depending on the scheduled tasks of the month)
11.30am to 2pm	Lunch and grocery shopping (i.e. veg, fish and meat for cooking Child 1 lunch and dinner on weekend and stock up any items that need to be replenished) – including commuting time
2-2.30pm	Back home. Unpack the grocery purchases
2.30-3.30pm	Commuting back to household. Sometimes if 笨mummy settled her chores earlier, she would be back to the household at 2pm.
3.30-5.30pm	Once she is back to the household, she would be busy with Child 2 – i.e. feeding, diaper changing and playing.
After 5.30pm	The evening cycle begins.

Looking at the schedules, 笨mummy wonders where are the empty slots that she could find time to help out with the household chores. 笨mummy did offer a number of ways to lighten the household chores of her mum – ordering of tingkat (so no need for cooking of dinner), her family members’ clothing can be wash once/twice a week using the washing machine since office wear are not that dirty (so no need to handwash everyday) 

Grievance number 2 – Complain too much or nag too much on the way Child 1 and Child 2 are managed.

Another common grievance that 笨mummy heard is that she complain /nag too much. 笨mummy wonders which mummy does not complain/nag on the way their own children are being care for, whether they care for by grandparents, maid or childcare. She knows a number of mummies that set restrictions for their child’s caregiver, i.e. no TV/iPad, no sleeping in摇篮, no use of walker, daily morning stroll to get the morning sun (they said this helps babies to vitamin D which is good for calcium absorption and bone development).  And childcare centers also enforced rules in toddles to help them in their social development and keep communication with parents on the child's progress in childcare. 

One of the highlight that created most grievance in B is her complaint of the use of iPad during bedtime or close to bedtime given by B to Child 1. 笨mummy does not set any rule for her mum caring for her Child 1, although she has a no iPad rule at her own place, she understand that iPad could, in some way occupied a child for a while and freeing up some time. Child 1 started using iPad after moving to the household (he only moved there after 18 months). 笨mummy witnessed constant temper tantrum from Child 1 due to the use of iPad at the household. Sleep time is affected, with Child 1 not wanting to sleep and hope to continue with the iPad. Screaming, yelling, hitting of adult are all common sight. 笨mummy has told her mum to stop the usage of iPad at night so that such episodes of temper tantrum can be reduced and iPad usage is still okay anytime before bedtime. Nowadays, 笨mummy is no longer see temper tantrum at bedtime though Child 1 still not wanting to sleep at bedtime and find excuse to delay bedtime, but there is no screaming, telling or hitting of adults in his attempt to delay bedtime.

Other causes of complaints from 笨mummy is the differing view between the old wives tales and the scientific facts. 笨mummy is a more of a supporter of the scientific facts and disagree with some old traditional that has no basis– like newborn babies should drink some water cause formula milk is heaty and cause constipation, introducing solid early would help babies sleep through the night, shaving newborn’s hair will make it grow better, etc. Sometimes these comments come from Family member A who has no experience caring for a baby or child at all. Imaging a person who does not drive, sitting next to the driver in a car, giving instruction to the driver on how to drive. 

If they do not like to hear 笨mummy complaining or nagging, that is going to be hard. She, as a parent, is naturally concerned with her children’s well-being, and there is no way she would keep silent when it impacts the well-being of her children. They do not get it cause they have never been a parent before.